


If only you could join me

by Deajoraty19



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: And Light wants L, Both wonder what might have been, L knows he is going to die, L's POV, L's past, L's regrets and lost childhood, L's side of the story, Lawliet is back, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Promises, Regrets, Sad, but still wants Light, not explicit content though, so they sleep together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deajoraty19/pseuds/Deajoraty19
Summary: “Ryuzaki, everyone else is gone. No one has been in the office for three hours now. Why are we still up and working? And more importantly, why did you just lock the door?”“No reason, really.""Liar""I would like to have a conversation with Light-kun. I would like a night with you."“What do you mean by that?”“I want us to have sexual intercourse, of course.”Or the tragic story of how L and Light long and lust for each other while wishing desperately that they could just be together and throw their prideful selves away.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 7
Kudos: 94





	If only you could join me

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have been watching death note again-instead of studying for my upcoming exams-. I couldn't get this story out of my head for a while now. I don't know where it exactly fits in the timeline, but I am absolutely certain that it would happen at some point. Hope you like it!

It was a cold and dark evening, L noted. Every bit of warmth had left their room, leaving their hearts begging for a single ray of sunshine to shine upon them. Maybe then all secrets between them would disappear and nothing would be left in the dark anymore. But alas, darkness was the place where both of them lived. The place where they thrived. Darkness and solitude was their safe zone. Neither wanted to confront the other, simply leaving themselves be in blissful ignorance. All would be well. Everything would go their way.

Hypocrisy was their best attribute, acting was what they were best at. Fooling friends, family, coworkers, the whole goddamn world if they wished to. It would be easy. But no. They could never lie to each other. A blessing for sure, because both wanted desperately to be understood, but a curse at the same time because what they saw in each other’s soul terrified them. 

Locking the door behind him, L turned to stare at the young boy in their shared room. This was it. Their final nights on the same earth. L knew he was going to die. How? He saw it written in Light’s smile, painted in his very eyes. A shame, L thought. Those lovely eyes should never be shining of death. L saw them change, saw the darkness slowly creeping onto Light and swallowing him whole. He was there to see his smile turn deadly, his heart turn into sharp ice and he didn’t like it all. In fact he despised himself for allowing hope to consume him. Hope was not a detective’s job. His job was to remain cold, apathetic, stone faced even in the worst case scenario.

Over his many years of lost childhood, working as a detective succeeded in making him immune to human emotion. He couldn’t sympathize when a wailing mother called for her dead child, for he had never met his. He didn’t bat an eyelid on how brutal a victim’s death was, because his own soul had already been dead for years. It was ironic, really. The only difference between him and a dead person was that his allowance for breathing was given by the single letter that covered his identity. Lawliet ceased to exist when instead of toys, he was forced to hold case files and instead of drawing with crayons, he judged people with pens.

He became synonymous to justice, which he found funny, when he himself had no experience of it. The world was unfair, he knew it better than anyone. And now, more than ever, he hated that he let himself starting to believe that Lawliet could be happy. You simply can’t raise the dead. But what would he know of true happiness when all he ever felt was numbness.

Happiness for L meant winning a case, eating strawberry shortcake, playing chess with Watari and being in Light Yagami’s presence. The last one would be the death of him, surely he must’ve regretted meeting the boy. But he didn’t. You see, when life is painted in greyscale, you can only be grateful for those tiny splashes of color that so rarely appear.

Light had given L the chance to relive what it meant to be Lawliet, and that was his only and fatal mistake. To long for the person who wants you dead. Maybe L was never fated to be happy after all. Fate must really hate him.

As if listening to his inner thoughts, said boy turned to stare back at L. His hair falling flawlessly in his eyes, his arms placed elegantly across his chest, a question burning in his eyes. Ah, he must have noticed me staring, L thought.

“Ryuzaki, everyone else is gone. No one has been in the office for three hours now. Why are we still up and working? And more importantly, why did you just lock the door?” Light requested, trying to hide how intrigued he was by this, but L knew. He could always see through him.

“No reason, really. Safety purposes and all.” He tried to respond calmly.

“Liar.” Nobody said that Light couldn’t see through him as well. Their acting was flawed only against the other after all.

“Well, if Light-kun could indulge me for a while, I would like to have a conversation with him.” L was careful not to let anything slip. Not now. The night was still young.

“We have been living in this apartment for months. You never talk to me except to insult me and accuse me of murder.” There it was. That familiar deadly glimmer in Light’s eye.

“Now, now Light-kun. Have we not conversed while working on the case? Did we not exchange opinions on the current law systems around the globe?” L grinned at him, knowing fully well that Light meant entirely something else.

“Do…Don’t try me Ryuzaki, I am already too tired of your bullshit.”

“Light-kun has been strangely irritated today. I wonder why.” L innocently stated.

It was true enough, Light had been restless that day, walking all over the office and drinking coffee constantly. L had never seen Light running around like a fool or stuttering at the simplest of questions. His Light was irresistibly intelligent. Always calm and calculated, something that the specimen of a person in front of him right now lacked.

“Thank you for your concern. It isn’t needed, really.” acid coating Light’s voice. “Is this the conversation you wanted to have? About you pretending to be concerned? That persona doesn’t really fit you Ryuzaki.”

“Light-kun knows best of all that I never pretend with him. And please call me L.” L glared sharply at him, hoping his eyes wouldn’t fail to convey his honesty. An immediate reaction was noticeable from Light as he locked eyes with him, curiosity and anticipation decorating his expression.

“Because of your hesitation to answer to my concerns about you is obvious, I will move on to the point.” he took a steadying breath.

“I would like a night with you” It was out now in the open. Light wouldn’t refuse him, L knew. After all he is going to kill me, what harm would one night of me being alive for him do? L pondered.

“What do you mean by that?” Light’s golden eyes were wide and fixed on the man in front of him, as if not believing the words that fell from the detective’s eloquent tongue.

“You heard me Light-kun.” L started slowly stepping closer to Light, the distance between them disappearing with every step. “I want us to have sexual intercourse, of course.” step. “It has been quite delayed now, hasn’t it?” step “I know you Light Yagami.” step. “I know you want me.” step. “As I have wanted you for so long now”. L stopped in front of the boy, mere inches apart. Reaching with his right hand, he gently cupped Light’s face and watched with a devilish smirk as the other’s face looked as if he had just witnessed a horror show. But L stood there, smirking and holding Light’s gaze, so that he could verify his honest intentions.

“L what are you talking about? Have you lost your mind? Are you an Idiot?” L could see the imaginary question mark floating over Light’s head, the terror behind his eyes and so he decided to lean forward. Just enough to bring his lips at the side of Light’s ear and whisper gently.

“I know you are Kira” Light tensed just enough for L to feel it “But I can’t help myself from wanting you Light. You are an extraordinary human being. Your intelligence and talents are unfathomable. But you don’t need me to say that, you already know.” L finally released Light’s face, just for his hands to settle on the frozen boy’s shoulder. He took a step back and simply stared at him. “It’s a shame you took the damned note, we could be working side by side, solving cases and have the world at our feet”. L felt a pang of regret pulsing through his body and a sharp pain he often got in his chest every time he thought about what might have been.

“As for your question, I have never been an idiot. Nobody could ever make a fool of me. But you. I became a fool for you and fell through your empty promises of friendship.” L could feel his eyes moisten, but he wouldn’t cry. Not now anyway. Light turned away.

“Stop that” L sharply said, after seeing Light not responding and averting his eyes from him, probably calculating his next action. Even now he is thinking. Thinking, thinking, always thinking. L was so goddamn tired of thinking. He just wanted to feel instead of thinking for once.

“Now, will you be benevolent enough to grant me this wish Kira-sama.” L said sarcastically while sliding his arms over Light’s shoulders and connecting his fingers together, locking Light successfully between his arms. Oh yes, Light was trembling. It should be soon enough now, L thought.

Just then, in a tenth of a second Light threw L’s body on the wall, harsh enough for L to feel the impact but not get hurt. L’s body, mind, soul was on fire. He could feel energy flowing through him like lava. Yes, he thought, finally. And L allowed himself to smile truly to this wild and very real Light Yagami, who was now a hair’s width away from his face while trapping L between his solid body and the wall.

“You have no idea what you are saying.” Light started while his breaths got deeper with every new sentence. “We are both crazy. Tell me you can feel this madness. Please” Light begged. L nodded, not daring to interrupt the magnificent speech about to come. “Why did it have to be you?” Light asked, desperation coloring his voice “Why can’t you see that we could own the world together? Why must you be so blind to my justice? You, me and the note. Just imagine L. Nothing would stop us. Those defying our justice would be punished.” Light nearly screamed at a baffled L. “What wouldn’t I give to have you next to me” Light whispered defeated, settling his head on L’s shoulder.

“Apparently your pride is a very high price for you to pay, Kira”, L immediately answered. Light scoffed. “Like you aren’t prideful. Why won’t you join me?”

“You know why” L closed his eyes. How could they be so similar and yet so devastatingly different was a mystery not even L could solve. L, for what felt like the millionth time that day cursed his fate. Light did not dare to move from L’s shoulder, and lingered there, as if the closeness could erase everything wrong between them.

“So…” L started with a low voice. Light made a simple sound as a response.

“…Where does that leave us prideful beings?” He smiled knowing, just knowing Light’s answer when he felt him lifting his face from his body.

“Do you ever shut up, or do I have to do even that for you?” Light playfully responded while leaning in, closer and closer to L’s face. L braced himself on the wall with lust filled anticipation.

He felt the ghost of a smile when Light’s lips were caressing his thinking how lucky he must truly be in this moment. And then L’s brain stopped working, his heart, for the first time in two decades took control and he let go. That magic second when their lips connected was L’s idea of heaven. Not that he believed that it existed, but if it did, he would never had to stop kissing Light. Yes, their kiss was clumsy and explorative, Light being L’s first and only partner, but L felt cared for, cherished, in that simple kiss. Both their hands started to wander, and the once gentle kiss had turned into a flaming make out session.

They kissed endlessly it seemed, for both had lost count of time pressed against each other on that wall. How could a simple touch, a mere caress turn him into liquid heat and adoration, L could not know. Everything to L was lips, tongues, teeth and Light. Not that he wanted anything less. But he did ask to have sex with Light after all. Breaking away from Light, just enough to see him follow their lost connection, L pet his hair lovingly and inquired. “Light, I need more.” Simple as that.

Light’s eyes sparkled immediately, the darkness completely gone now, only heat pooling in his golden irises. Within a fraction of a second he put his arm under L’s thighs and lifted him around him, like he weighted as much as a feather. No more talking was needed. Somewhere between kisses and Light wondering blindly within the space, they found their bed. And the moment his back hit the bed, L was gone, Ryuzaki was gone too. Lawliet was present right now, in this moment with Light.

Lawliet felt and felt things he didn’t let himself feel in forever. His feelings were overwhelming him. But at least it wasn’t that bitter cold nothingness L had been accustomed with. It was terrifying how familiar loneliness had become to him. How could he ever go back when he had felt this? How could he die without feeling this again? The universe must be playing a hilariously terrible joke at him.

Somehow clothes where no longer present, long forgotten they lay on the floor. Light’s fingers were dancing sweetly all over Lawliet’s body, igniting him all over again, and Lawliet’s hands were buried in Light’s soft hair. Soft cries of pleasure filled the room, panting and the gentle rattle of the bed could be heard. Their mixed scents, sweat and smell of sex were all over the sheets. Lawliet had never encountered a sweeter scent.

And then he was lost. Lost in immense pleasure, one that he had never felt before on his own. Light seemed to be the one person that could turn cold detective L to this primal, sinful self and Lawliet did not want it to stop. He continued falling deeper into pleasure and lust, wondering that if he pretended hard enough this could be called love making between two fated lovers.

And then it suddenly stopped.

Everything now felt like bliss to Lawliet. He was being held against Light’s side, his head resting on his chest listening to the erratic pace of his lover’s heart, anticipating foolishly that it would sync up with his. He found himself lightly tracing ‘LAWLIET’ on Light’s chest, hoping that a part of him would continue to live with Light after he was gone. After he was killed. By Light.

And just like that the illusion broke. L the detective was back, mourning the loss of Lawliet once more. L turned his head upwards just to see Light already asleep. And so he let himself fall asleep too in the arms of his lover that would soon be his killer.

* * *

It must have been approximately two hours later, when L was woken up by Light’s movement. He watched quietly Light leave the bed and get dressed while being extremely careful not to get caught. Light stopped abruptly, just staring at his supposedly asleep lover for a couple of seconds. He felt Light lean down and kiss his lips ever so gently. But the kiss was bitter now, full of sorrows, regrets, unfulfilled promises and lost loves. L felt sick. He resisted the powerful urge to push him away. He expected some last words from Light but they never came. He opened the door and left, and with him he took Lawliet and whatever remained from L’s heart.

L sat up the moment the door closed from outside, alone once again in this suddenly freezing room. He got up when he didn’t hear steps going away from the door and as a detective he investigated. The closer he got to the door, the more obvious were the quiet cries becoming from the person on the other side. L put his ear against it, just to hear a collapsing Light Yagami on the other side, crying and wailing. Call it a lovers connection, call it him being an imbecile, call it whatever you want, L started crying as well. And Light began talking to himself.

“What have I done? What can I do to undo this? There has to be a way. Please Rem, I am begging you. If you can hear me, I’ll do anything. Just don’t take him from me.” Light was sobbing uncontrollably and L swore he could feel every single gentle tremor of his body.

“I love you. You can’t hear me but I love you. I always will.” Light whispered on the other side of the door, still drowning in his tears.

L had heard. But he wished that he hadn’t and prayed to whatever god existed to forget it. He slid down slowly to the floor, his knees giving in.

Love can indeed be crueler than hatred, L’s last thought was before quietly drifting off to sleep, one final time, contemplating his death against the door of the very apartment that gave him life that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly don't remember how this began haunting me but oh well. I get to write a story about it. I'll try and fix my errors, so let me know if you find some. So how did I do? Was it as sad as I thought it was?


End file.
